What a crappy...nay...shitty past six months this has been. Seriously! The last six months have been awful! Now my favorite two seasons have come and are nearly gone; leaving me to wait and wander until next year to live and love Spring and Summer again.
The last six months I have suffered unimaginable pain. People have asked me quite often how painful is the pain I endure. Truthfully, I don't know how to answer this. It is a most difficult question to answer, but I can tell you this; I am no stranger to pain. I have an amazing relationship with pain and have had such a relationship for most of my life. I have bled more than anybody I know. I am a tough son of a gun though. Remember, I am that guy that removed his own wisdom tooth! I once passed a 1/3" kidney stone sans surgical help or pain relief. (Luckily, tooth removal and stone dismissal did not occur in the same night.) ;) Nonetheless, it is hard to explain in words just how much pain I have endured. That being said, I will share a few insights that may lend some light.
How much pain?
- I was only able to work four full (8 hour) work days in the months of July and August. I had to stay in bed. I love to work, but I couldn't. Add to the literal pain of working is the fact that I work for myself which means, "no work, no pay". This means added stress. Nonetheless, two and four hour days were all I could muster.
- Often, I can't drive my Jeep. Everybody knows how much I love driving my Jeep; especially in the Spring and Summer. Since mid-December, I have only tallied 1400 miles on my Jeep in 9 months time. It just sits there. Sad. Like me.
- Many times, I would drive to work just to sit in the car for as long as 45 minutes before going inside. Why? It is too painful to walk into my building and up the stairs to my office. I quite literally had to give myself the best "Rudy" pep talk just to get me to open the door of my car and take myself inside.
- I haven't been able to mow my lawn. Me! The dude that mows every five days! My most favorite thing to do is to work in the yard. I live for it. I love it. I can't do it and that has been so very painful to accept.
- I can't wear slippas anymore. They seem to add to my discomfort. I believe I have probably worn slippas every day of my life until now.
- I have gone months without playing with my kids. No wrestling, no racing, not much of anything. I even had to pass up another opportunity to coach Leah's soccer team because I wasn't sure if I would even be capable of walking.
Work, Jeep, Yardwork, Slippas, Kids, church, etc. So much sacrificed. I'm not sure if that lends any light as to how miserable I have felt and how in the way my health has been this past six months, but...I guess it doesn't matter anyway...I don't think anybody even reads my blog anymore. HAHAHA!
God loves me. And the most amazing things were reinforced again and again throughout these difficult seasons. While this last Summer and Spring were literally the worst six months of my life...LITERALLY...the seasons were still half full. I have always had, and hope to always maintain, a healthy relationship with pain and trials. As I endure each difficult chapter, I emerge more resolved, more blessed and more understanding that pain does not endure. I endure. I have had instilled in me from my youth an understanding that life is Grand, but it will have it's periods of despair and difficulty. I have tried to live by the mantra, that no matter how bad it may seem, someone better than me is experiencing much worse. I don't take comfort in their suffering, but it helps me put my suffering in perspective. This too shall pass.
Through these last six months, I was blessed with continual reminders of just how blessed I am. For instance, the fact that my wife, Pooh, is the most amazing woman in the world and she's all mine! Not once did she complain that her husband lived on the couch or in bed for days and weeks on end. She was understanding and loving in spite of the fact that when I got home from work, I was of no assistance to her in regards to managing the home or parenting. She uttered not one word of disappointment, dissatisfaction or disgust as many others may have in her situation as I slept 12-15 hours a day. The woman was nearly a single parent for six months and now with a third unexpected kid to care for...ME! This is how I know she loves me. I love her.
Fortunately, I was the benefactor of good parenting. It is because of years of hard work that was taught me by my Father that kept me working at all! Even at times when perhaps I should not have, I pressed forward to the best of my capability. It was the example of my Mother that lent me strength in trying times when all I wanted to do is quit or to mope or complain. It was the love of my Lou and #2 that unconditionally loved me and worried for my well being even though it was they that were being neglected. Many friends and neighbors asked what was wrong as they could tell I was struggling and a many more were genuinely concerned for my situation, but it was those few that pressed into my home and offered, nay insisted, their helping hand to the point that my pride was suppressed and I accepted. I so needed their help and am grateful.
So...am I happy about losing my Spring and Summer to what ails me? Of course not, but in spite of it all, my Summer was still half full and at times like these, that is completely full. In fact, as I begin to slowly feel better and hope to continue down this road, I realize now, more than ever, that my cup runneth over. I am THE MOST BLESSED MAN. Plain and simple. Nobody, or no illness, can take that from me.
Now bring me Autumn!
