Gone, But Never Forgotten

Goin' back to Cali...Cali...Cali...

It has become a family tradition as of the last four years to venture South on the I-15 back to my old stomping grounds every February.  This year, in addition to our family Disneyland visit, had a special purpose.  We were to gather as the Trosper Clan to say one final goodbye to Dad and disburse his ashes into the Pacific as he requested.  It would be a bitter sweet trip filled with family, friends and loving memories of my Dad.  

My Brother Jim and his family made a temporary resting place for Dad's ashes until the time came that we should set him in a more permanent resting place.  A shrine of sorts in their living room corner with Christ and angels keeping watch.  

Of course, there is no such thing as a Trosper gathering without smoked meats and ample amounts of other vittles for grazing upon.  Leah loves to visit California to play with her cousins, Grace, Jane and Lucas or with the neighbor kids Emma and Bubby.  

My brothers and their wives are amazing hosts.  Always tending to our every needs.  Here is the moment my brother, Jim, lives for when the food is finally prepared and being consumed and he is granted a moment of rest.  Much like me, he doesn't eat much until everybody else is full and satisfied.  We had a great meal of Smoked Pulled Pork Sandwiches, Corn Bread Soufle', Smoked BBQ Pork and Beans, Smoked, Baked and Stuffed Jalapeno Poppers and Potato Salad.  Jimmy even bought me some non-alcoholic Becks.  

This time around we had some fun visitors BBQing with us.  My good friends since high school, Jeff and Brad spent the evening with us.  In addition to sharing a few good stories about Dad, we had some good laughs remembering the "good ole' days".  I have always said I have been blessed in my life with some pretty amazing friends.  I am so proud to know each of them.  

Of course, Pam and Dan are like family too.  Our schedule was pretty much booked from point A to point Z of our trip so they made the time to come to us and share in the good food and good times. 

Final Day With Pops

 

I have to give props to my Sister-in-Law, Cynthia.  She took care of all the planning and made all the arrangements for our family to take care of Dad's final request, even down to the breakfast beforehand.  

We all met as a family at "The Yucatan" in Seal Beach for a good Californian/Mexican breakfast.  We were all there; Mom, me, Sarah, Leah, Dax, Jim, Samantha, Hailey, Madyson, Scott, Cynthia, Grace, Jane and Lucas.  

Also joining us was Bob and Gloria.  Bob is Cynthia's Dad and he was so generous to host our last day with Dad by chartering us out to the Pacific in his boat, "The Rum Runner".  Gloria is his girlfriend.  Also joining us was Natasha, Jim and Sam's foreign exchange student from Denmark.  Lastly, Scott H., a family friend tagged along as Dad was much like a Father to him as well.  

The kids all had a good time getting reacquainted as they often need to do.  Each time takes less getting used to than the time before, but they are always good friends and love to be around one another.  They have become particularly used to seeing eachother simply due to the number of trips we have made to be closer to Dad in his final days.  

The trip was going to be bitter sweet and we all knew it.  There was some discussion considering to leave the young kids behind as well as a couple of the adults as Dad's death, cremation and burial at sea was proving to be a difficult thing to grasp.  That being said, ultimately, family trumps all...even uncomfortable situations and we all knew we could rely on each other to lean upon for support.

Dad's ashes would not be loose so there would be no difficult conversations regarding the disbursement to be had with the little ones.  

It was a beautiful day.  We launched from the private slip in Long Beach Harbor.  It was a bit cool in the morning, but quickly heated to 80 degrees on shore and 70 at sea.  It was truly a perfect day.  I'm sure Pops was pleased.  

It was appropriate that we launched out of Long Beach Harbor.  When Dad first moved to California, I believe his family first lived in Long Beach.  I know for sure that his Father worked in the shipyard in Long Beach as a longshoreman.  

It was to be a family affair, but we were happy to have Natasha and Scott tag along.  They are, after all, like family.  Sadly, the boat was not big enough to accommodate everybody we consider to be family or everybody whose lives were touched by Dad or who touched Dad's life.  Hopefully those who were unable to attend know they are loved and sent their thoughts and prayers Dad's direction that day.  

Isn't my niece, Madyson, a beautiful girl?

We mostly had a fun time.  It was nice to be out in the sun and good weather.  We enjoyed stories and laughs and took lots of pictures.  We had good music playing that would have made Dad happy.  Music like Jimmy Buffett, The Beach Boys, Chuck Berry and more.  Cynthia brought some treats including Dad's three favorite snackfoods; Kettle Cooked Potato Chips, Sour Gummie Worms and bite sized Three Musketeers.  

The ride out was a long one and we enjoyed cruising through the harbor along the way.  We had to head way out to sea because the longshoremen had refused to work that weekend without overtime so the harbor and surrounding area was congested with HUGE tankers and Freightliners waiting to get into the harbor the next day.  

The seas were relatively calm  and Bob's big 45' yacht handled the larger 10' rollers with ease.  It was the perfect day to be at sea and enjoy the day for what it was.  

Sam and Hailey had a hard time agreeing with the concept of Dad's request to be buried at sea.  Hailey and Mady have the tough job of knowing him better than the younger grandkids and will burden a tough responsibility to communicate to their younger cousins those stories that will pass along all of Grandpas funny and quirky characteristics.  I know it was tough for Sam, Hailey and Mady, but I am glad they did not bow out.  I know that this made Dad happy.  

Again, Props to Cynthia.  She arranged the date of the event, the meeting place for breakfast, arranged for treats, bought and brought the flowers and most importantly got us the vessel by which we would travel.  

Dax and Leah did great at sea.  Dax was fascinated by the ocean and repeatedly said, pointing to the water, "Water!"  I am happy that both of my kids have a natural fondness for Mother Ocean.

She's a beauty.  Hands off guys, she's all mine!

Leah too had a fascination with the water.  She asked more than once when we were going to buy a boat for the ocean.  :)  I wish!  She impressed me with her understanding.  We avoided as much as we could the discussion of what we were actually doing.  We had discussed Dad's cremation at the time of his death and it traumatized her a bit so we didn't want to share too much information other than we were saying our final goodbyes to Grandpa.  She took the appropriate time to remember him and mentioned how much she loved and missed her Grandpa Bud.  

D.O.D. would have been happy to know his final trip to sea was on a Trojan Yacht and not a Bruin Dingy.  ;)

My beautiful niece, Hailey.  This girl has so much going for her and I hope she always remembers that and strives to reach her full potential.  I know her Grandpa loves her and worries about her as he does for all his Grandkids.

My Gracey Grace!  The younger kids spent most of their time down in the galley or living area of the boat.  

Here is a photo collage tribute to Pops, Dad, Papa, Buddy, Grandpa.  Next to the photo collage is Dad's remains.  

When referring to death, Dad used to jokingly say he wanted to be cremated, have his ashes placed in a Folgers Coffee can and to be kicked out of a plane over the ocean while the song "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life" was playing.  

Of course he was joking, but he did plainly explain to me in his final days, that he did wish to be cremated and to have his ashes spread in the ocean.  

He died November 17th, but due to bureaucratic red tape and hoops that needed to be jumped through, he was not cremated until 17 days later.  

Knowing that his remains were to be disbursed in the ocean, we had his remains placed in this box made especially for "at sea disbursements".  It was a pure white papier mache with a decorative design of seashell, star fish and sand dollar.  The ashes were in a rice paper bag and the entire box, bag and ashes were designed to disintegrate and spread in the ocean within a few hours.  It was a beautiful box and perhaps most importantly, allowed us to avoid any uncomfortable discussion with the kids that would have surely followed the dumping of ashes.  

Along the way out to sea, we relaxed and enjoyed one another's company.  Jim provided a bit of entertainment as he hand fed the seagulls. 

Bob was an awesomely gracious host and captain.  He allowed us our time and I personally felt his reverence for the moment.  He was not only kind enough to give of his time and boat, but refused payment for fuel (which is not cheap).  Thanks, Bob!

My beautiful Madyson Nicole.

When it was time to eat, the girls acted as servers and brought around Papa Bud's favorite treats.  They politely explained the significance of each item and offered the treats to all.  Here they are sneaking a treat between rounds with Uncle Jimmy photo bombing in the back.  

Dax had not slept well the two nights prior to the voyage so he was very tired, but the excitement of everything around him would not allow him to sleep.  

We went far out to sea and tried to lock in a couple landmarks so we knew where Dad's final "line up" was.  Fortunately, with today's technology we know that his final resting place is 33.687443 Latitude and -118.182415 Longitude.  It was a good spot.  

Natasha, Madyson and Hailey

My littlest Brother, Scott.  I am fortunate to say that my two brothers are, at the end of the day, two of my best friends.  They are both shorter than me which is awesome!  That being said, I still look up to each of them for their own unique characteristics.  

This dude is also Scott and is also like a brother to me.  I was touched to see how he emotional he was at my Father's struggle, passing and ultimately his release back to Earth from whence he came.  

My cute little Jane.  

I know my Mother is grateful to have three wonderful daughters-in-law in Samantha, Sarah and Cynthia.  She relied on them much this past six months.  I know I am not much a talker when it comes to emotional matters and thus, Sarah made herself available to my Mom whenever she felt the need to discuss how she was feeling or simply needed a shoulder to cry on.  I am sure she did the same with Samantha and Cynthia.  We Trosper boys certainly married up.  

Speaking of marrying up!  I am so blessed to have this hottie in my life.  So are Leah and Dax.  She is such a good Mother.  She mourned the loss of my Dad as if he was her own.  Having already gone through this with the passing of her own Father, I imagine it was tough to relive it.  She is so strong though and is my anchor.  

Dad died from lung cancer as a result of many years of smoking.  My brother, Jim, struggles with the same addiction.  I know many want him to stop smoking and many pray for his strength to do so.  None as much as his own family, I am sure.  I have my own addictions and I know how difficult they can be to kill, so I can appreciate his plight.  On this trip, I noticed he is now smoking the electronic cigarettes.  I have heard they are not good for you either, but if switching to these can somehow break the addiction and are not addicting themselves, then I support him.  I would love nothing more than to see him quit smoking.  Well, I would love more than that to see me quit eating and drinking soda, but other than that, I would love to see him quit.  

There are few things I enjoy more than being on or near the ocean.  I can stay there for hours.  Never say a word.  I would be happy.

Dax can be a very serious kid.  I see my Dad sometimes in him and I wonder if he knows more than we think he does about what is going on and where Grandpa Bud is.  

Dealing with my Dad's death has been relatively easy for me.  I realize we all deal with death and grief differently, but the reality is (for me) that Dad was not himself the last few years and he withdrew quite a bit from the family.  Even when he was with us, he was far away.  I have been missing my Dad for a few years now.  His actual death was more physical than anything to me.  That being said, I loved the last six months with him.  If there was a silver lining to his battle with cancer it was that it changed him.  Or it least it seemed so to me.  He seemed to become more of his old self as time went on.  He was the Dad I knew in my youth, my adolescence and much of my adult life.  I was so grateful to have him back for that short time.  I miss him dearly and am amazed at the simple and small things that bring memories of him rushing back and tears to my eyes.  

My Mother on the other hand had a hard time this day.  Though they have been divorced for several years, she never wanted to be separated from him.  She felt as emotionally and spiritually committed to him as she was the day she married him.  His death was all too much a death of her and her life with him.  She too has good days and bad.  I hope she knows we love her and him and them together and always will. 

We were a bit unorganized once we decided to stop and say goodbye.  It is one of those moments in life I wish I could have back.  We each had a white carnation to toss in the waters below and I know we each had thoughts of Dad on our minds.  The kids added a level of chaos to the moment and it was difficult to know what we should do.  In hindsight I would have offered a prayer for each of us he left behind.  I would have asked for a moment of silence.  I think those simple things would have made the moment that more special.  I know that it was suggested that we each share a story or memory of Dad/Grandpa, but I know that some struggled with the concept altogether and would have rather remained silent. I do know however, that we each were thinking of him that day and every day since.  

I don't know if my Mother approves or not, but sometimes being the Mother of three boys is a difficult thing for her.  For instance, we often deal with emotions with humor...sometimes inappropriate humor.  I know that I for one find laughter to be the greatest healer, but I recognize that sometimes there are moments better left without laughter.  Nonetheless, here is Jim striking a "Heisman Pose" with Dad cradled in his arms.  

The Grandkids lined up at the back of the boat to throw their flowers into the sea in memory of Grandpa.  Grace and Leah shared brief sentiments about how much they loved and missed Grandpa Bud then they each tossed their carnation.  

Pops loved kids.  He loved them so much and they loved him back.  My Dad often reminded me of Christ in that manner.  He was so childlike.  Kids could relate to him.  He worked hard to relate to them.  He loved them entirely.  He loved no other kids more than his grandkids.  I hope they always remember this.  

Grandma Leslie loves them too!  I see this often.  I have always loved living far from family, but now I don't know how I could have ever done it without her!  She is such a blessing to me, my wife and our children.  We have to find a way to never let her move away!

My Three Sons...Dad called me his "#1 Son".  Jim was always referred to as "#2" and Scott was always referred to as "#3".  He had other nicknames too.  I won't share mine, but I believe Jim's was "Half Pint" and Scott's was "Stinky Pot".  

I think Dad has always been proud of his family.  I hope he always will be.  

Scott loves America so much he covers his face in the flag when in public.  The public thanks him.  ;)  Again with the inappropriate humor.  

My last photo with Dad before we released him back to Mother Earth as he wanted.  Sadly, the box was heavy; about the weight of a cinder block.  In my mind's eye, I imagined a more romantic scenario playing out as we gently placed him in the ocean and watched him drift into the sunset.  Unfortunately, with the ocean rolling we were unable to stop for too long and Dad's remains were too heavy to be buoyant.  

Mom kept it together as long as she could, but we all saw that she was struggling.  Madyson was there to offer love and support.

Jim's final pic with Dad. 

Dax loved the concept of throwing flowers overboard.  In fact, he threw his flower, his Mother's flower, my flower and somebody else's!

Grandpa's little Leah

After a brief silent moment, Jim and Scott launched Dad to the depths of the sea.  It is what Dad wanted and was consistent with how Dad lived.  He loved the Earth and he loved the sea.  He loved his Indian heritage and how they embraced Mother Earth.  It is awesome to consider the journey his ashes will take.  They will plummet to the deepest point on Earth.  They will see the most beautiful colors that only the ocean can offer.  He will see the shore of Asia and North to the top of the world.  His ashes will follow the migration of whales along the coast of the Americas and eventually back to where we set him free.  

Once we released him, I think it set in.  The frivolity ceased and the laughter went silent.  The kids went back down below and left us all with our thoughts.  Hugs were exchanged one with another then ultimately, we each found our place to sit and think; to remember him and honor him in our hearts, in our minds and in our silence.  

The silence was broken by the sobs of my Mother as she watched the flowers distance themselves from the boat.  My brother Scott joined her side, then me, then Jim.  I don't think any of us said a word.  I know my arm and Scott's arm comforted Mom, but we mostly just sat and continued in our silence.  It was fitting.  It was the way it should have been.  It was reverent and peaceful and painful all at once.  

Jim tends to be the more emotional of the three of us boys.  He was also the most like Dad and, if I was forced to admit it, Dad's favorite.  It was important to me to catch a photo of Jim in this state.  

Scotty, always the Mama's boy, was quick to comfort my grieving Mom.  I am grateful for each of my brothers and for my Mom and Dad.  The sum of us is greater than the individual and always will be.  Much like we are in our own families today.  I am grateful for God's plan that our families do not end at death and that I will see my Father again.  

One symbolic flower clinging to the back of the boat.

After the appropriate amount of time had passed, we proceeded back to harbor to finish the day.  We again laughed and enjoyed our company.  More stories about Dad and our family were shared.  The sun healed my soul.  

My boy Lucas sat with me for awhile and this made my heart warm too.  

Bob took us cruising through the different harbors and seaports.  It was fun to take it all in.  What a great day. 

FINALLY!  Dax went to sleep!

Once we pulled the boat back into the slip, we had lunch and ate on the back and enjoyed the good weather and company.  

LUCAS!!!

A selfie with Mom.  I love this woman.  

It was a perfect day.  Much like the text in this blog, after releasing Dad, we were of little words.  We simply enjoyed the beauty around us and counted our blessings to have had him in our lives.  

Seriously, Bob and Gloria, I cannot thank you enough!

The Jim Trosper Family with Natasha, Mom and Scott.

L to R:  Natasha, Hailey Leilani, Madyson, Mom, Jimmy, Samantha and Scott.

The Scott Trosper Family

L to R:  Lucas, Jane, Cynthia, Mom, Scott and Grace

Mi Familia!  Of course, we need no explanation.  

Jane pausing to look at Grandpa Bud's pictures and remember him.

The kids loved feeding the ducks, sea birds and seagulls from the back of the boat in the bay.  Here is Jane and Dax.  

Each of the Grandkids got an Olaf to remember Grandpa Bud.  

All in all it was a near perfect day.  I am thankful for the opportunity to share the moment with my family.  I am certainly the most blessed man and it is moments like this that help me to remember this. 

I love you, Pops!  Until we meet again, you will be in our hearts.