Shannon and I had an interesting relationship that experienced nearly everything...good and bad...but through it all, he was always my brother and I loved him. I knew he loved me. Sadly, yesterday morning, after many years of struggling with one thing or another, he lost all hope and ended his life. My phone is a testament to our friendship. Since his passing I have received more than 50 texts, 40 facebook chats, 20 calls and 10 emails of friends who are hoping to hear it isn't true. I'm grateful that they consider me a source for the answers of what happened to our dear friend, Shannon. The expressions of concern, love, sadness and disbelief are a tribute to what a good friend he was to so many. I'm happy to count myself among them.
My thoughts have been bouncing from one thing to another ever since I got word of his passing. I've laughed, I've cried, I've simply sat in silence without thought or word. I've had selfish thoughts as I realize he is out of my life and I've felt complete heartbreak as I think of his children who now have to go on without their Dad. I've experienced emotions of sadness, anger, confusion, regret, gratitude, inadequacy, and more. I am simply lost and at times simply numb.
Saturday I went to Thai Village with Leah to get lunch and Thai Village always reminds me to call Shannon, or "Tolley" or "Tall Man" as I called him. I have tried calling him every day since with no luck of reaching him. Each time my call went straight to voicemail. I wish I could have talked to him one last time. If not to help him, to at least give me that one last chance to visit with him and laugh with him. Every once in a while, I write a journal entry titled, "People I Know". On Tuesday, February 23rd, the entry was on one, Shannon Durell Tolley. I debated including the entry on this blog considering his death shortly after writing it, but have opted to be more selective in what I share here. It's not like anybody reads this anyway.
I met Shannon about 1999 while working for PMI, but didn't really get to know him better until I started working directly for and with him in the customer service department. He was the Vice-President of Customer Relations and I was the Customer Service Manager. Immediately, Tolley and I became close friends. We each had an ally and confidant in the other and we trusted each other entirely. Throughout the 8 years we worked together we spent many hours, literally side by side. Our desks were next to each other and it was not uncommon to find us both with our feet kicked up, facing each other in deep conversation regarding the most serious to the most silly of subjects.
I loved working with Shannon. We had built up a team of good guys and we always had fun. Now that I don't work there anymore, I can tell you that Tolley and I wasted far too many hours shopping online for scale model cars, auto tin signs, flags and banners. We both wasted a week when Google Earth came out as we searched different race courses, stadiums and landmarks. I spent a good deal of time covering for his absence as he was quite possibly the most laid back employee that I ever witnessed. I realize now that this is why everybody loved him. He was flexible and loose. Me being structured and regimented, we made a great team.
We spent a good time laughing together and had many inside jokes...most of which probably weren't funny. They were to us. For example, every single time either of us would end a conversation on the phone with our wife with an "I love you", the other would turn after the call ended and ask, "Was that Phil? How is he doing anyway?" (Phil was one of the owners of the company). It's a dumb joke, but it was a conversation that was as consistent as anything. Shannon was fun to work with. He, along with some of our other friends in the department, created different days of the week such as "Talk Like A Pirate Wednesday" or "Talk With A Lisp Thursday". Seriously, we laughed a lot and we played a lot and we ate a lot. Work was fun and that made it easy to manage.
We cried together as well. I remember one time when I had left the office in the middle of the day to go to the doctors for a routine check up and the doctor found what they called a "concerning mass" and sent me to the hospital for an emergency CT Scan. It was Shannon that I called on my way to the hospital to calm my nerves and put my mind at ease. I've had very hard and frank conversations with Shannon during the latter half of our friendship as he tried to work through difficult choices or circumstances. His heart was good and his intent was pure. Sometimes the right thing was simply too hard and it was easier to succumb to pressures. I've seen him at his worst and at his best and I'm grateful he trusted me with his thoughts.
When Shannon was on, nobody was better, and I mean that. He was truly a gem and everybody could see it. Nobody didn't like Shannon Tolley. Ultimately, this proved to be a difficult thing for me. After working with Shannon for a couple years, he decided to move on and pursue his own business. I then was hired to replace him as the Vice President of Customer Relations. While working together we recognized that we both had our strengths and weaknesses. Many of my strengths compensated for his shortcomings and vice versa. Shannon had an endearing soul. He was a friend to everybody and was amazing at remember names and knowing other things about everybody he met. This is a short coming of my own and it became blaringly obvious as I took on the responsibilities that were previously his. As different state attorney generals would contact me to discuss other "players" and companies in the industry, I realized what a strength Shannon's personality was. When others met him, he was immediately likeable and the friendships and relationships he built were a direct result of who he was. He was a friend to all.
As is often the case with new business ventures, Shannon's business lacked the necessary success to sustain him and so I made room for Shannon on my team. For anybody in this position, you can imagine how this might be a difficult proposition. Shannon was once my boss and now he was my employee. As is his nature, he was completely able to accept the job sans animosity and was a grateful and valuable part of the team. I find it important to note that when I hired Tolley there wasn't necessarily a need to fill. Though Shannon had great communication and sales skills, amazing potential and would surely be an asset to the team, he wasn't hired for those reasons. He was hired because I, and the owners of the company, loved him. He was our friend and he needed an outstretched hand. We were happy to offer it. Never was there a hesitation to do so. I, for one, was happy to have my buddy back.
Sadly, due to circumstances outside my control, I had to let Shannon go. This was one of the hardest things I had ever been tasked with. Not only was I at risk of losing an employee, but a friend...not just a friend, but one who was like a brother. Shannon never held it against me. We continued to hang out and stayed in communication until that time that I was able to bring him back again....and then had to let him go again. It says so much about Shannon and our friendship to see how he responded to me after this. While we didn't go out as much together for lunch, we constantly stayed in touch and were always available when needed. Shannon was as true a friend and as much a brother as any.
Shannon struggled the last few years of his life. I won't go into details in what ways he struggled, but he did. We have had many very open conversations about the gospel, families, addiction, commandments, potential, regret and more. Even at times when he had made mistakes, he recognized them as such and there was always a desire to do the right things; the things he should do...for the sake of his happiness, his children's well being and for God. ALWAYS. I think that it was hard for him to know what his potential was, without the clearest understanding of how to get there. I think it was a struggle to know what he wanted and what he had without the patience required to realize it.
Obviously, I don't know exactly what was on his mind his last few days. I haven't spoken to him for a couple months. I had wanted to and we had played phone tag, but never spoke. I wanted to. I wish I could have. The greatest trait Shannon had was his ability to not judge others, and even more importantly, his ability to forgive. He had been wronged at times and I was always so impressed at how easy it was for him to forgive they who wronged him. Completely forgiving. Not the type of forgiving where you try to forgive and forget. He did. He forgave and that was the end of it. As I think of his children, my heart aches for them. To lose a Father is awful enough. To lose a Father this way is heartbreaking and more. It is my prayer that they inherited from him, his incredible ability to love and forgive; that they might remember how much he loved them and the so many wonderful traits that he displayed in this life. He is loved by so many and so many have expressed to me the ways that their lives have been touched by him.
I know he loved his children. We had many discussions on what it meant to be a Father and how difficult it was, yet how rewarding it was too. How stressful it was to be entrusted with children, and how important it was for them to know they were loved. I pray for them and their souls that they might be comforted. I know he loves them and it pains me to think that whatever anguish or hopelessness he was feeling, that it was so strong as to surpass all other thoughts and emotions. I wish I could have been a better friend and brother to him these last couple years. I'm sorry he felt he had nowhere to turn.
This simply sucks.
I was hoping this would be therapeutic, but it isn't. I still have a hole in my gut, a void in my soul and unanswered questions in my mind.
Shannon, I love you, brother. You were a great man. You were an expert at making others feel loved and special. Your abilities to forgive and not judge are quite possibly the greatest traits ever shown by mankind. I pray we will meet again and I thank you for the time we had.
2 comments:
Sigh. Painful. Grateful you had a friend like him, and he had a friend like you.
Like you, Q, I have been wondering what I could have done different that might have helped. I last saw Shannon about six weeks ago and I new he was hurting. I don't believe it was a sudden thing - he suffered for several years.
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