Problem? What Problem?

I don't recall when this entry below was written, but it was long enough ago that I entirely forgot I had written it.  At the end is states, "I probably won't publish it", but I've decided to.  

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I have issues and I don't know exactly how to explain it. Usually when someone says that they mean to say they have some hang ups, quirks or idiosyncrasies that make life difficult or weird in the sight of others. When I say it, I mean just that! I have hang ups. I have quirks. I have idiosyncrasies. Of course we all do to one degree or another, but mine seem to get worse as I get older.

At least three of my four blog readers will be surprised when I say, I have social phobias. For the most part, I do very well at hiding these. On occasion they reveal themselves and I fear some may be offended. For this reason I decided to mention them. These social inadequacies are sometimes sporadic and sometimes consistent, but they are not constant and unfortunately, I do not choose when I experience them.

I am uneasy, anxiety filled and uncomfortable in crowds. At my home or in others homes. In meetings or at amusement parks. At church or at events. I cannot relax. I experience nothing but anxiety. I cannot not relax and enjoy myself as others around me can for my focus is on other things surrounding my anxiety. I don't know where it comes from, but it is a real issue. It is not the fault of those around me as I feel this way sometimes with family or friends.

Most of my life I rather feel like I would prefer to be alone, or with just Pooh, The Lou and a few others at a time. This is quite sad considering I have more friends than almost anyone I know. Because of this, my blessing of loving so many and being loved by so many, can often feel like a curse. My issues seem to reveal themselves to me in times of chaos; lots of people, loud noise, clutter, mess, etc....all things that are common with parties, celebrations or the like. These are the times when life should be celebrated and memories built. Not for me. I worry at times when I feel this anxiety, that it will spill out and in some way in deed or word, I will offend. If I have offended anyone in these times of anxiety, forgive me.

For instance, I am uncomfortable in meeting new people. I may attend a family, work or church event wherein a new person may be in attendance. I will likely avoid meeting that person as a result of these issues I have. I always fear that person will assume my avoidance of them is a result of arrogance or some other reason. This couldn't be further from the truth. I want to meet them. In addition to this, I will often find myself at family gatherings searching for the room with the least people so that I can "dial it in" or step away from the source of the uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes I will even leave early from such events. Not because I don't love or care deeply for those in attendance, but because I figure if I can't enjoy it, why be there.

I do pretty well (for the most part) in dealing with these issues. Many titles, jobs, callings, roles, etc., that I have been given throughout my life cause me to do my best to ignore these feelings of anxiety and push through them for the sake of duty. I endure (and I hate using that word in this scenario) family and work settings that involve many people in tight quarters. I pick and choose what work, church and family events I attend and will sometimes miss one here and there. When attending sporting events, concerts, plays, church, temple, movies, etc., I always get an aisle seat. On the rare occasion I don't get an aisle seat or can't dodge an event, I do my best (for Pooh's sake) to endure to the end. I likely won't enjoy it as my shirt collar seemingly gets tighter, my stomach is queazy, my mind won't stop thinking, my leg won't quit bouncing, my throat gets dry, and my brow starts sweating. It is in these situations I worry that the stress of the moment puts me on edge and I seem less friendly than I really am.

I am quite blessed and I realize this. I do my best to stifle the anxiety and fortunately, it is not constant. With that said, I do wish it would go away. It causes doubt and insecurity in life that I may not be able to withstand some of the most wonderful things in life. I am so blessed to have Pooh by my side, the most amazing family, so many loving friends and awesome workmates. While most of them don't have a clue regarding my struggles, I know they would understand and love me nonetheless. I probably won't even publish this entry.