Problem? What Problem?

I don't recall when this entry below was written, but it was long enough ago that I entirely forgot I had written it.  At the end is states, "I probably won't publish it", but I've decided to.  

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I have issues and I don't know exactly how to explain it. Usually when someone says that they mean to say they have some hang ups, quirks or idiosyncrasies that make life difficult or weird in the sight of others. When I say it, I mean just that! I have hang ups. I have quirks. I have idiosyncrasies. Of course we all do to one degree or another, but mine seem to get worse as I get older.

At least three of my four blog readers will be surprised when I say, I have social phobias. For the most part, I do very well at hiding these. On occasion they reveal themselves and I fear some may be offended. For this reason I decided to mention them. These social inadequacies are sometimes sporadic and sometimes consistent, but they are not constant and unfortunately, I do not choose when I experience them.

I am uneasy, anxiety filled and uncomfortable in crowds. At my home or in others homes. In meetings or at amusement parks. At church or at events. I cannot relax. I experience nothing but anxiety. I cannot not relax and enjoy myself as others around me can for my focus is on other things surrounding my anxiety. I don't know where it comes from, but it is a real issue. It is not the fault of those around me as I feel this way sometimes with family or friends.

Most of my life I rather feel like I would prefer to be alone, or with just Pooh, The Lou and a few others at a time. This is quite sad considering I have more friends than almost anyone I know. Because of this, my blessing of loving so many and being loved by so many, can often feel like a curse. My issues seem to reveal themselves to me in times of chaos; lots of people, loud noise, clutter, mess, etc....all things that are common with parties, celebrations or the like. These are the times when life should be celebrated and memories built. Not for me. I worry at times when I feel this anxiety, that it will spill out and in some way in deed or word, I will offend. If I have offended anyone in these times of anxiety, forgive me.

For instance, I am uncomfortable in meeting new people. I may attend a family, work or church event wherein a new person may be in attendance. I will likely avoid meeting that person as a result of these issues I have. I always fear that person will assume my avoidance of them is a result of arrogance or some other reason. This couldn't be further from the truth. I want to meet them. In addition to this, I will often find myself at family gatherings searching for the room with the least people so that I can "dial it in" or step away from the source of the uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes I will even leave early from such events. Not because I don't love or care deeply for those in attendance, but because I figure if I can't enjoy it, why be there.

I do pretty well (for the most part) in dealing with these issues. Many titles, jobs, callings, roles, etc., that I have been given throughout my life cause me to do my best to ignore these feelings of anxiety and push through them for the sake of duty. I endure (and I hate using that word in this scenario) family and work settings that involve many people in tight quarters. I pick and choose what work, church and family events I attend and will sometimes miss one here and there. When attending sporting events, concerts, plays, church, temple, movies, etc., I always get an aisle seat. On the rare occasion I don't get an aisle seat or can't dodge an event, I do my best (for Pooh's sake) to endure to the end. I likely won't enjoy it as my shirt collar seemingly gets tighter, my stomach is queazy, my mind won't stop thinking, my leg won't quit bouncing, my throat gets dry, and my brow starts sweating. It is in these situations I worry that the stress of the moment puts me on edge and I seem less friendly than I really am.

I am quite blessed and I realize this. I do my best to stifle the anxiety and fortunately, it is not constant. With that said, I do wish it would go away. It causes doubt and insecurity in life that I may not be able to withstand some of the most wonderful things in life. I am so blessed to have Pooh by my side, the most amazing family, so many loving friends and awesome workmates. While most of them don't have a clue regarding my struggles, I know they would understand and love me nonetheless. I probably won't even publish this entry.

This Old Bag Of Bones!

I am getting old. As I get old, more and more, I just need to take a seat. This is one of those times and I have plopped myself down on the pity pot! I don't complain much, but sometimes, I just need to vent. Some know, many do not, that I suffer from three different, but related auto immune diseases; Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis and Psoriasis. Fun times. I try not to complain, but on occasion, I feel the need to let others in on my suffering. I try to always remind myself that worse things happen to better people every day and I am truly a blessed man. Nonetheless, sometimes it just gets to me and that has been the case all this year.

The pain is often unbearable, such that it keeps me up all night...like tonight. As I sleep, with every turn or move, the pain wakes me up, making sleep a futile exercise. Pooh can testify that I move A LOT as I sleep. I am not a fan of the thought of taking pain pills so I avoid anything for pain as if it were the plague itself. I don't even take Aleeve until it is so unbearable. It is hard for me to explain how painful it is. The last month it is constant. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sleep. It hurts to stand. It hurts to sit. I think what best illustrates how painful it has become is this...Two of my favorite things in the entire world that I enjoy more than anything but my family, are mowing the lawn and driving my Jeep. I have considered several times this month that I should hire someone to care for my lawn and that I should sell my Jeep. The day after I mow the lawn is unbearable. Getting in and out of my Jeep is extremely difficult and painful.

I really shouldn't complain. Maybe I won't even publish this post. The last thing I ever want to appear to be is a cry baby. My arthritis began it's attack about 15 years ago. I remember the first time I felt joint pain, I complained so much to those around me. One of those people blessed to hear my whining was Pooh's cousin, Jenteal. Skiing was difficult, but my arthritis was only an annoyance at that point, so I didn't let it slow me down at all. After going skiing with Pooh and Jenteal a few times (and complaining the whole time), I remember realizing that Jenteal has NEVER uttered one word of complaint, frustration or pain. This is significant because Jenteal has lived with RA her entire life. Her RA was so bad that she had both hips replaced at the young age of 24! Never a word of complaint left her lips! What a champ. I need to be more like her. I try. Sometimes though, I just can't do it. I have to moan aloud.

I am excited for Thursday because I am switching my meds. I used to take two injections of Enbrel every week. Shots really suck and I hate them, but Enbrel really seemed to help a lot with my arthritis. It was also supposed to help with my psoriasis, but had little effect on it. For this reason, my doctor, Dr. Richard Call, switched me to Humira with a 4x suggested dosage to begin. It was our hope that this would have the same affect on the arthritis with the added benefit of improving my skin condition. When taking 4 times the normal dosage, it did help my skin. Unfortunately, it had little effect to no effect on my joints. Now that I am on a 2x dosage the effect on my skin is minimal and my joints have never hurt worse. Beginning Thursday, I am switching back to Enbrel. Pray with me that it has immediate results.

I could really use it. I would love to take the stairs at work. I would love to get in and out of my Jeep without regret. I would love to mow the lawn with out ramifications the following day. I am sick of living in pain and that is what I have done the last few months. It is frustrating. Typically the Winter is the most difficult time of year with no need for meds at all in the Summer. I have never suffered more. Never more in the Winter time and it is the middle of Summer! Never more without meds than I am right now on meds. I need to do something about it. I know there is more I can do such as lose weight. As one who does not necessarily overeat, it is an uphill battle when it is too painful to exercise or the meds you take induce weight gain. Nonetheless, I have always believed, "where there is a will, there is a way". I have to find a way and the will to match.

Well, there you have it. I bet most of you are thinking, "Hey Q, next time you need to take a seat, sit in a recliner and give the pity pot a rest!" Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent though.