Over the River and Through the Woods...

Over the river and through the woods, to Grandpa's hospital room we go!  

As most know, my Dad has not been well.  He has been fighting the good fight against that mean ol' cancer.  Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago, that fight took a turn for the worst.    

 Being in Utah through this whole ordeal has been difficult.  With Dad being in California and with my brothers' families caring the brunt of the load, it has been hard on me.  This isn't about me though and I realize this.  As his health has declined my Mom has gone down to help with him too.  This has left me wondering what I should do and when I should go down myself.  It is not an easy decision with Leah in school and life continuing on around me.  Afterall, I work for myself which means, "no work, no pay".  At the end of the day, work, money and school take a backseat to family, but they are still things to be considered.  

 I finally could not wait any longer.  Upon hearing word from the hospital doctor that Dad may not make it through this hospital stay, I knew I had to go.  I packed up the kids and headed South.  I have to say right now how grateful I am for an amazing wife that loves my family entirely and understands the gravity of the situation.  She was so willing to do whatever needed to be done to make this trip happen.  I love her dearly for loving my family so much.  Leah was quite bummed when I let her know we were leaving Utah and her friends for a period of time.  After thinking about things she informed me she would not be sad so long as she got to see her cousins, Hailey and Mady.  

 As soon as we pulled into town, the first place we went was to Kaiser Hospital in Riverside.  It was hard to see Dad in such decline.  That being said, he never looked better than he did when we walked in his room.  His face lit up as we walked into his room.   

 It was hard to see Dad this way.  I was with him on a road trip just four weeks ago and his appearance and strength have fallen so far in such a short period of time.   It was difficult for Leah to see him in this condition and she was shy and timid to embrace him.  I am sure this made him a little sad.  Fortunately, Leah warmed up in no time so she could let him know how much he was loved.  

 Dad loves Sarah so much.  He was so happy to see her.  You could see it on his face.  Sarah has had a hard time dealing with Dad's illness too.  She loves him as her own family and is sad to see him suffer.  I am sure it reminds her of her own Father's death as well.

 I was teasing and copying Dax when this picture was taken.  I was behind Dad and didn't realize he was coughing at the moment.  Or trying to cough.  He is so weak.  He struggles to breath, eat, drink, relieve himself and to speak.  All things we take for granted and under-appreciate.  Things he could do just fine a short while ago.  

 One thing that I thoroughly enjoyed while visiting Dad, was rubbing his bald head.  He used to have very long hair and lots of it.  About half way through his radiation treatment he lost it all.  He let on that it was no big deal, but we all know how much he loved his mane and I'm sure it saddened him to see it go.  Now, he TOTALLY loves to have his head rubbed.  He can be sound asleep and the moment you start gently rubbing his head, he begins to stir and makes sounds of enjoyment.  One time while my Brother was rubbing Dad's head, Dad began to moan loudly to which made my Sister-in-Law uncomfortable.  She wondered if she should give my Dad some alone time.  HAHA!  What can I say?  The man loves having his head rubbed.  

 The hardest part of the trip to me was the inability to communicate with my D.O.D.  In addition to the nurses, doctors and social workers coming in and out of his hospital room, he also shared a room with another.  With the added traffic of family and friends for both Dad and his roomie, there was nearly no time to spend alone with my Dad and no opportunity to speak to him intimately.  To make matters more difficult, Dad is deaf.  90% deaf WITH his hearing aids in and he is currently without them.  I had to practically yell into his ears in order for him to hear me most of the time.  Of course, when communicating things of the heart, the feeling seems to be lost when you're yelling them with many to hear.

There were so many things I wanted to tell him.  How much I love him.  How much I appreciate him.  How much I forgive him and how much I hope he forgives me.  I wanted to let him know that I am who I am because of who he was.  I wanted him to know that I watched him every minute of my youth and adolescence and it shaped me.  I wanted to let him know I disagree with decisions he has made later in his life, but that I loved him still just as much now as I did before.  Mostly, I wanted to thank him for being such an amazing Father to me and my Brothers, for being a loving husband to my Mother and for being such an example of selfless love to all who knew him.  I just wanted to tell him I will miss him.  

Fortunately, I had one day alone with him at the hospital; just him and I.  His roomie had been moved and I was able to speak to him somewhat privately.  Still, the hearing was a problem.  His temporary lack of lucidity was still a problem.  His weakness and spontaneous napping were still problems.  But the biggest problem turned out to be my lack of ability to keep it all together.  Instead, I just looked at him as he looked at me and I cried.  I held his hand and cried.  He rubbed my hand and without me saying anything more than, "I love you.  I will miss you.  It's okay if you go", he seemed to know everything I wanted to say and more.  After gaining my composure, we shared a brief conversation.  As much as his energy would allow and he quickly fell asleep.    

 Dad has always loved kids.  Kids have always loved Dad.  Even in his time of weakness, Dad still found the energy to play.  Here he is stealing Dax's nose.  Dax got him back though by stealing his roll!  Dad showed so much pride in Dax from the moment we knew he was coming to our family.  Dad was so happy and proud to have a Grandson finally.  He has always loved his granddaughters without limits, but with Dax being the first Grandson, he glowed at the prospect of a Grandson carrying on the Trosper name.  Now he has two to carry on the name in Dax and Lucas.

 Grandpa loves Leah.  He loves all of his Granddaughters; Hailey, Madyson, Leah, Grace and Jane.  They were the apples of his eye.  Once Leah warmed up, she was able to hold Dad's feeble hand and play a few games of thumb war.  We have tried to be very open with Leah about Grandpa and his health and the potential of him dying.  She has always been aware of and somewhat curious about death, but with it being so real and so right there, I am not sure she truly understands.  I remember my Grandfather dying when I was 14 and it was a life changing event for me.  Mostly, I hope Leah understands just how much her Grandpa loved her.  

 "One, Two, Three, Four.  Let's have a thumb war!"

 Dad slipped in and out of lucidity.  Throughout our time with him, he also slipped in and out of sleep.  He would often wake up and continue vocalizing whatever stream of thought was in his head during sleep.  Sometimes it made sense and sometimes it didn't.  Sometime he seemed confused as to where he was and what he was saying.  Other times, his words seemed gloomy and foretelling of his demise.  

One thing I love about my Dad is how much he values things.  The cardinal and gold magnet sports bracelet he is wearing in the picture above,  is a gift I gave him about twelve to fifteen years ago.  I am sure it has long since lost it's magnetic powers and looked more like garbage than a fashion piece, but he never took it off and from the day I gave it to him, he wore it proudly; even today.  He really valued people and his experiences with them and attached to objects the feelings he had for those people and experiences.  

 Sarah is a Trooper.  She fits so well into our crazy family.  She is so selfless and was so willing to do whatever was needed in order to allow me the time with Dad I needed or that he needed.  That meant driving the kids everywhere and trying to keep them entertained in an otherwise non-entertaining environment.  

 Dax was all too happy to sit on Grandpa's hospital bed.  In fact, one time at Jim's house after we had moved Dad for hospice care, Dax went into visit Grandpa unsupervised.  After a short visit he left Grandpa's room to play with his toys.  A neighbor stopped by to see Dad and mentioned to me in the other room that Dad didn't seem so comfortable.  Well, Dax had been playing with the buttons on Dad's bed and pretty much folded Dad in half!  Dad was not the wiser as he continued sleeping while we adjusted his bed back to a comfortable norm.  :)

 Like I said, Leah warmed up quickly and was fast to share her love and the love of Jagger her pet stuffed Jaguar.  

 Getting ready to move Dad out of the hospital and into Jim and Sam's home with the care of hospice.  It was determined early on in this hospital visit that the battle with Cancer was not something to be fought any longer and that Dad's comfort was paramount. 

 Dad was well cared for by the many nurses and doctors at Kaiser Riverside Hospital.  I was very impressed with the compassion and care the nurses showed.  Dad was his normal self and took every opportunity he had to flirt with the nurses and let them know he appreciated their care.  Even in his weakness he was a charmer.  I was especially impressed with the compassion and care of the doctors.  While we did not see them nearly as much as the nurses, they were so loving in their explanations and diagnosis of Dad.  I have never witnessed such amazing bedside manner as I did from Doctors Torres and Morgan.

 Leah and Dax, especially Leah, were so good on this trip.  Leah complained very little and was very cooperative.  When she found herself bored and wanting, she was quick to understand that this trip was not about her, but rather about Grandpa and showed great patience and maturity.  We knew it would be difficult so we chose to stay in a hotel rather than at family's so that the kids could at least release some energy and enjoy being kids in the pool.  Every minute was appreciated.  

 Leah learned how much she loved the hot tub and Dax learned to jump into the pool.  Leah's swimming is much improved.  She is still as natural in the water as most are on land.  

 Dad was very happy to be in Jim's home as opposed to in the hospital or rehab center.  That being said, it was still very much of the same, only Dad no longer received nourishment by IV or had a nurse attending to his every need (seen or unseen).  He continued to sleep 90% of the day and eat or drink very little, but he was happier nonetheless.  

 We got Dad a wheelchair which Jim and Scott moved him into for a quick stroll outside.  Being at Jim's provided him a little more freedom like that as well as a window; a luxury he didn't have at the hospital.  Jim had to strap him into the wheelchair as he was too weak to keep himself upright, but it was nice to see him out of bed and allowed us a few photo ops before we had to go.

 Dad enjoyed many visitors while we were with him.  For this we are very grateful.  The prospects of Dad's passing causes me to reflect on my own demise and I hope as many people will love and miss me as much as those who love and miss Dad.  A special thanks to those who visited; John Burgon, Jacob Ford, Dan and Pam Zoller, Keri Huston, Barry Rhoads, Marioly and Pat Alfaro (and family), Phil and Trish Jones, Brock and Carmen Bliss, Philip Bliss, Scott and Kathleen Helbing and I'm sure more that I am missing.  We were very blessed with meals by the Helbings, Alfaro's and Jones' families while we were there.  The outpouring of love has been impressive and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg.  My Mom tells me that visitors continuously roll in every day.  It may be taxing on Dad, but I'm sure he wouldn't want it any other way.  To love and be loved; that is what life is about...even until the bitter end.

 Left to Right:  Jim, Me, and Scott.  I love my Brothers.  I have been so impressed with how they and their wives have stepped up where needed in the care of D.O.D.  I am blessed to be not only the older Brother to these great men, but also their friend.  We are the men we are today because of my Father.  Even under such grim circumstance, it was nice to be with them this week.

 Left to Right:  Samantha, Sarah and Cynthia.  Don't let Dad's impromptu snooze fool you.  He loves these women.  Having all boys, I am sure he appreciates having daughters even more.  It needs to be said again...as great as us Trosper boys are, we all realize just how much these women are our better halves.  

 See the toothless smile on Dad's face?!  Tell me he doesn't love his Daughters-in-Law!

 It appears heaven can wait...He's in total bliss right here on Earth!

 Families Are Forever.  I believe it.  I am banking on it.

It was a tiring week.  The trip has filled the void in many ways and left me feeling empty in other ways.    It was hard to say "Goodbye" to my Dad knowing it was very possibly "Goodbye for good".  At least in this life.  I am grateful for that sweet moment he and I had in the hospital.  I am grateful I got to hold his hand and rub his head.  I am so pleased to have been able to look into his eyes and communicate with him with nothing more than a hand squeeze and a tear.  I am VERY happy he is in relatively little pain and that his suffering seems to be more fatigue than discomfort.  I pray for his comfort and peaceful release from this life and know that is what he wants.  If there was ever a man who deserves to get what he wants, it is my Dear Old Dad.  I love you, Pops.  I already miss you.